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Article: The Truth Shall Set You Free.
How to rid yourself of the pain of betrayal.

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Article: The Truth Shall Set You Free
Tue, 04 Nov 2003
From: L B-B

"The truth shall set you free"
How to rid yourself of the pain of betrayal.

 

When I found out about my husband, much more then just an affair - I was devastated. I had been angry for 20years, and I felt so guilty because I felt I must be doing something to cause all the pain.

My husband acted so loving to and in front of everybody else, why did I feel so unloved, why didn't he cherish and protect me? 20 years of lies to me, he married me for my money, he bad mouthed me to all who would listen for 20years. I never knew, he pretended to be the perfect husband to my face.

So much was explained. My friends and work friends suddenly hating me, refusing to explain what I had done to make them turn against me. His work mates meeting me for the first time treating me as if I smelled bad, My real "friends" not wanting to be with me when he was there, those I turned away because they tried to tell me and I sent them away rather than hear bad of my husband. His family hating me for years and being cruel to me from day one.

His private life he felt I intruded into just because we were married. All the lies he told them to justify in his own mind, his sinful behaviour. Oh, and the internet porn he blamed on someone else and I drove them out of my house and my life, only to know now, they were totally innocent and a good friend.

And then there was the affair he started after we agreed to work on the marriage and were in counselling (with a woman who was also in Christian counselling with her unsuspecting husband). I loved her and had only ever cared about her and her family. He only told me the whole truth to get me to give him a divorce, but the Lord broke my bones (I broke my ankle right as he was starting the affair) so I couldn't get up and walk away (I would have if I could have stood) so I had to sit and listen to all his hateful truths.

I refused to accept divorce and insisted on fixing the marriage. I was convinced that God did not bring me away from all my support, my own country of birth, my family, allow me to lose all I had worked for and taught me to accept the pain in my marriage, just for me to throw it away without a fight. He had me marry my husband so my husband could find salvation through my belief in him as a godly man. My husband thought he married me for my money and a shallow attraction he called love, God knew better - He wanted us married and as long as that happened, my husband's reasoning didn't matter.

I decided, after prayer, that the man I thought I married was the real man God wanted me to see. I decided that whatever it took, I would find that man again and help him to see he was what God made him, not a bunch of bad behaviours repeated for 20 years. I cannot tell you how many times I stood up in the therapist's office and stood for my husband's good spirit underneath all his bad behaviours. I also told him over and over that he was a man of God and what he was fighting was a bunch of bad habits, he had done so often, he thought they were him. Now he feels he is God's man. His family and "friends" did not believe him when he told them the truth. They hated me even more and yet claimed to be Christians, while telling him to divorce me and go back to his old ways.

After a year of this I went to his parents and demanded they act like Christians and told them I would come back if they continued and deal with the according to Matthew's conflict resolution for Christians and I meant it they could tell, I was ready to go kill myself if things didn't change and throw myself on God's mercy, I had nothing to lose. They fell over like a pack of cards and are now learning to treat us properly. My mother in law told me she doesn't know if she can act properly (like a Christian should) toward me, but is doing OK so far. The rest of his family - my husband is not ready to see them yet, he doesn't trust them and is waiting for a call from them to say they are sorry, or he will not allow them back into our lives. My own son allowed his wife to refuse to let me see my grandchildren, as she wanted my "old" husband back. She had been hateful to me for a long time with his blessing and people seeing us out together last year thought he was her lover and I was the nanny! I still do not see my grandchildren regularly and my son thinks that supporting his wife (I taught him that) means allowing her to behave as badly as she wants. Sadly she goes to church but does not want my husband and I together, she wants the old husband back and is still telling hideous stories about me. So until my husband turned around this was an inconsolable addition to my marriage pain.

So what did I do about the pain - I felt that my marriage in memories, was like a big jigsaw, and finding out the truth was like he had torn a big hole in it and I could see that the pieces I once thought fit, didn't. It was like you an empty place in my heart I couldn't fill, a past destroyed and my jigsaw needed to be filled with something again for me to move on. So I asked him to tell me the absolute truth about different times in our marriage, so I could fill my jigsaw with the truth. I couldn't live with the emptiness and felt the truth would fade after time and at least I would have a "marriage past" to fade and replace. It was better than the yawning hole left by his revelations. So I asked him about what he did, sometimes over and over until he told me the truth and I could feel it was the truth.

I didn't have to accept his reasons for doing it, just understand what his logic was (however flawed) and the sooner he told me the truth, the sooner I could fill in that part of the jigsaw and put it away. At first he didn't want to talk about it, feeling I should just let it go, even our therapist didn't think we should go over things, but it worked for me. As he saw I didn't turn into a screaming frenzy, especially when he answered me honestly and quickly, (not dragging it out for hours resisting and then blaming me for going on for hours) and was sympathetic when I was upset, holding me as I asked and saying I am so sorry, I really regret it, I felt heard. I felt he understood and was showing respect for my pain.

Soon many occurrences had been examined enough and I was able "to put them to bed". He now tells other failing husbands to do the same, as soon as they can. Help their wives through this exorcism of their pain by talking over the details so she can work it out of her mind. That's what we do to be healed anyway, go to a therapist and talk about it. Who better than the one who did it to help and comfort us. We have helped some other couples with the same thing, me talking to the hurt person and him coaching and supporting the unfaithful one. One of the unfaithful ones called and told my husband to thank me, just the other night. He says it is changing everything in their marriage healing.

My husband puts it like this, "Maybe I can help save these guys some time and their wives some pain." I hope this helps some of you. If they will pray with you and commit themselves to healing you in a prayer said out loud it also helps. Not everyone's spouse is Saved so that can be difficult, nevertheless, I prayed out loud in front of my husband every time we came through a rough spot, thanking God for keeping us together, thanking God for choosing him for my husband and recommitting myself to stay by him.

Now my husband is firm in his faith and firm in our marriage. I am still working on having unconditional trust in him and now and then things come up that I need to go over, but it is getting better and better. It has taken us a year to get through this far, and I don't know if that is good or not, but it feels miraculous to me.

The pain was so great and I was suicidal for much of the time until recently even though we had already started doing this. Only The Lord kept me on this earth until now and He kept His word. And the truth did set you free !!!! Free from my pain.

editorial: I want to thank the author for this submission. We exchanged some e-mails and I could feel her excitement for sharing such a great story. This IS God at work folks. This is what it is all about. Thank you. God bless. AMEN


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